Archive for the 'Planks' Category

Piracy Triumphs Over Landlubbers

Ahoy Shipmates!

‘Tis a fine day for the Pirating Classes as the Landlubber Great Powers have seen their beloved Treaty, signed in the Port ‘o Lisbon holed below the water by the unconsciously Piratey people of Ireland.

Pirates, as all who have sailed the salty brine know in their bones, hate Great Powers of Landlubberism. They are a threat to all we hold dear, be it the importation of exotic birds to be trained to sit upon a man’s shoulder or the threats to a smuggler’s livelihood brought about by Free Trade.

So, we can but rejoice that their plans to further tighten their grip on the people of Europe have been shot down by a popular vote. But that is not why the Pirate way has proved itself the superior choice, as the inevitable flow of history tells us it always will. It is the foolish notion of asking the lubbering mass to give their opinion which bedivells the graspers of the Great Powers.

The Pirate way is to elect a Captain. But, once elected, a Pirate Captain stands alone upon the deck. I tell the scurvy dogs what they do and if’n they don’t why, I just clap them in arms. If they still won’t do what they’re told, why ’tis just a short walk along the plank.

The Landlubber Powers know that they must have their way. But, not Piratey enough to simply seize power, they try to slide and slip their plans past the their crews.

Why, with the weakness of their democratic method, they can only ever be second best to the Piratey way. And that is why tonight Pirates can once again stand tall. Knowing that the Landlubbers may, just for the moment, hold control of the Land and Air, it is the Swashbucklers of the Waves who will finally have the last laugh.


Pirates v Landlubbers; An analysis of class in Ireland

Arr, Me Hearties,

If I tell ‘ee that most chroniclers hold that the Republic be a landlubber economy, you will laugh the joyless, sardonic laugh of the true sea dog. They writes in the ledgers of their counting houses that the citizens is all landlubbers with a pirate rump that exists on the margins. But even with a patch over one eye, true pirates can see better than the landlubbers with their two good ‘uns that the past fifteen years have resulted in a mere pseudo expansion of the landlubber classes.

Aye, the landlubbers claim to ‘ave more treasure. But, mark it well shipmates, they would rather spend their dubloons and pieces of eight on fabergé eggs and the infernal pottery of Josiah Wedgewood than bury it on a sun-kissed Caribbean islet in a good teak chest, 15 paces from the skeleton of a dead shipmate, or fritter it away on rum and wenches in a Barbary tavern. And they calls this “the good times”!? Worst of all, armchair pirates and the landlubbing acolytes of Johnny Depp and the New Piracy have internalised this false analysis. They pander to the delusions of the ‘new landlubbers’ but forget that, in essence, nothing has changed.

Analysis, y\'arr.

Breaking down the population by occupation, we see the following:


Sea-Dogs – 1,000,000

Ships Cooks – 25,000

Parrots – 1,500,000

Cabin Boys – 10,000

Plank-makers – 80,000

Captains – 10,000

People with Beards – 700,000

Wenches – 1,500,000

Tavern-owners – 20,000

Ships-surgeons – 1,990

Buccaneers – 150,000

Privateers – 65,000

Shanty-singers – 250

Chandlers – 3,000

TOTAL – Way more than the Landlubbers


Footmen – 1,450

Innkeepers – 500

Highwaymen – 27

Judges – 136

Horses – 10,000

David McWilliams – 1

The Spanish – 5,000

Farmers – 6,000

Schoolboys – 3,900

Ladies – 357

Potters – 200

TOTAL – Way less than the Pirates.

The analysis of the Irish Pirate Review shows that by any objective yardarm, most of these so-called ‘new landlubbers’ are actually engaged in traditional pirate occupations or in occupations which, though new, align their interests firmly with those of piracy, buccaneering and privateering off the Spanish Main.

While there be talk – y’arr, treacherous talk – of landlubber aspirations, of farming, of sending good lads to school instead of pressing them as cabin boys, ‘tis but a façade of change. P’tooh. True sea dogs know that the tyrant landlubbers will never give up their hold on Spanish gold even as they dupe armchair pirates, Johnny Depp and the so-called ‘new landlubbers’ into slavish obeisance to their land-bound ways.

These so-called ‘new landlubbers’ must ask themselves if, for all their new fangled a-doings and transpirings, they have seen even a single dubloon of Spanish gold! Nay, nay and, thrice, nay! There is only one path to the Spanish Gold and it is through the unabashed embrace of salty piracy.

Our analysis shows that the greater part of this island population is pirates whether they know it or not and whether they like it or not. Soon, we shall be all at sea, and at sea the landlubbers must be made to walk the plank. The ‘new’ landlubbers must choose. Is it to be the plank or women, rum and Spanish Gold on the Barbary Main?!

Shiver me timbers!

Photo Credit

Arrh! The Photo above be available for us to be using though Creative Commons by missy_1074 from Flickr. We thankee!
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